


Freeze, Motherstickers!

by executrix



Category: Firefly
Genre: Caper Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-08
Updated: 2011-10-08
Packaged: 2017-10-24 09:56:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/262162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/executrix/pseuds/executrix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaylee gets to be in charge of a Crime, and a good time is had by all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Freeze, Motherstickers!

1  
There was a three-on-two Paint Snowball game going on. Simon, his gloved hands dug into the opposite sleeves of his overcoat, sincerely hoped that the lavender tinge of one side's ammunition didn't come from the tube of gentian violet in the infirmary. He was less upset about the blue-black that he surmised was nicked from Inara's store of hair rinse; she had a three-day engagement that would presumably pay for its replacement.

"C'mon, Simon, play with us," Kaylee said. "It's fun. You gotta trust me, I'm sayin' you should play even though you'd be on Wash 'n'Zoe's team and even it up."

"I…no…it's **cold** , dammit," Simon said.

"I bet the Preacher was here stead of off prayin' for forgiveness for us, **he'd** play," Jayne said. "He ain't no spoilsport."

"Fine," Simon said. "There's one in every crowd." He turned and walked back into the ship, snow crawling up into his trouser legs.

He could hear the tinny sounds of a spaceship chase emanating from Mal's cabin. He knocked, but there was no answer so he opened the hatch and climbed down the ladder anyway.

Mal looked up from the viz Download on his screenplayer. "Oh, hi there, you. Not out havin' frozen fun?"

"You aren't either," Simon said, stroking Mal's nose with the edge of his forefinger.

"Yehsooa, your hands are cold! Weren't you wearing your gloves?"

"I was wearing my gloves. It didn't help."

"Yeah, sometimes I think I was born with a shovel in my hand," Mal said. "And snow wasn't the worst of it, by a long ways. But it ain't my taste in recreation. But now you're here…"

Simon gave a sigh as he settled against Mal's warmer body. Then he backed off slightly and ran his hand down Mal's chest. "You are just—so—damned—goodlooking."

"Think you got the stethoscope on backwards 'bout that one."

"And you make me feel so good," Simon said. "So **safe**."

He was unable to see the abject terror that that statement projected onto Mal's face, because Simon had spun Mal around and was touching the tip of his tongue to the small spiky hairs left at the bottom edge of Mal's latest haircut.

Mal was going to raise questions about who got to spin just who around and on whose boat it was, but lost his train of thought.

Nobody remembered to switch it off, so the viz played to the end, rewound itself, and started over from the beginning.

2  
"We’d best get dressed," Mal said softly. "They'll be back anytime soon, they ain't froze to snowmen, that is."

Simon went to the kitchen to brew coffee in the largest graniteware pot.

River ran in first, her eyes sparkling; Jayne and Wash jostled in together, looking for breaches in the parka-collar perimeter to push in a last snowball; then Zoe and Kaylee.

Mal drew her to one side. "Listen, Kaylee," he said. "There's a Crime I have in mind, but I got Captain-y things to do. I think you're ready to walk point on it. Talked to Zoe an' Wash, and they're ready to back you up. They got a sentimental sorta attachment to this place anyway, they don't mind makin' a return visit. "

After supper, Mal went to the Engine Room, where he outlined the substance of the plan. Kaylee nodded, and wrote everything down on scraps of paper. She made a sketch map, although considering that there was only one road and only two barren trees on it, it would be pretty hard to miss their prey.

3  
Kaylee, Zoe, and Wash returned, each carrying a small but obviously heavy wooden chest. Kaylee, in the lead, said sadly, "I said the wrong thing! I got nervous! Y'know, I yelled, 'Freeze, motherstickers! This is a fuckup!' and it was supposed to be the other way 'round. Also, I think I dropped the pieces of paper with the plan on 'em."

"It's okay, sweetie," Wash said, losing the struggle to keep his features composed, but they were wearing ski masks anyway. "I don't think they even noticed. And you did just fine for a newbie. I'd check with 'Nara before you did anything rash in terms of moustaches, though."

"Yeah," Zoe said. "Got enough of 'em on this ship already."

"That's my good girl," Mal said, kissing Kaylee on one cold cheek revealed as she pulled off her ski mask. "Here's your cut, in cash," Mal said, handing her a wad of notes.

"Shiny! But what about Zoe'n'Wash?"

"We'll get ours later," Wash said. Zoe slung an arm around his shoulder and tried ineffectually to smooth down the ginger wisps that made him look eminently juggle-able.

4  
"Y'know how it happens, you think somethin' ain't gonna mean nothin', but then it don't go away, just like a burr under your saddle?" Mal asked, sitting back down at the dining table and returning to the bender already in progress.

"Hell, Mal," Jayne said. "You was a farm kid too. You should know that sleepin' with folk ain't even a good idea if you know their right name, much less if you're livin' with 'em. No more'n makin' a pet outta a calf or a pig would be when you know that cold snap in November's gonna come along."

Mal poured a little more of the syrupy yellow stuff into his mug. "This is shiny, Jayne. Just you'n'me, havin' a pop and talkin' bout Life. When'd we lose the habit of doin' this?"

"Bout when you took to bangin' that boy as your major recreational activity. Skinny little thing like that, there'd be noplace to put down your mug."

"He ain't skinny," Mal said reminiscently.

"I ain't listenin," Jayne said. "Oh, hi, Doc. Have a drink of some o' this panther piss the Shepherd brung back."

Simon looked at the bottle. "Yellow Chartreuse…oh, God, no, I'd sooner drink Mudder's Milk."

"Why'd they call it charsiubao when it don't taste like pork none?" Jayne asked.

"Awww!" Mal said. "It's my little Blue Point!"

"What, I'm an oyster now?"

"No, a,,,simonmese. They're all sleeky and…smooth fur…wrap around your legs. And they got blue eyes too."

" **Seal** Point," Simon said distantly. "Mal, **what** are you drinking? There's only a few inches gone from the bottle of Chartreuse."

"Got some stuff out of the engine room." Mal held up a wavering hand to stave off criticism. "You got **nothin** to worry about. Kaylee puts blue stuff in the wood alcohol so's we stay away from that."

"'Nother one of these and the Cap'n'll be under the doctor," Jayne said.

River popped up from under the table. "When Zoe and Wash get back from a crime, they go to their room," she said. "When it's just a simula-crime, what do you think they do? Soixante-neuf?"

"That's none of our business," Simon said.

"We like to watch you turn those colors," River said. "Like litmus paper. Or a hydrangea."

"Zoe! Grab your socks! Wash!" Mal yelled into the Comm, then winced at the noise. "Back to work! Head us out for Boros."

5  
"Ah, there you are, Shepherd. Thank you for bringing back that bottle of Chartreuse from…umm, the monastery?" Simon said.

"Oh, good. You had some of it, then?"

"Exquisite," Simon said. "Errr, Those wooden boxes. And Mal said we're going to Boros."

"As you recall, that was my original destination when I first joined this ship. Yes, the headquarters of my Order is on Boros."

"Boxes," Simon said. "Small, **heavy** boxes."

"Oh, you figured that out?" Book said. "Don't tell Kaylee. She was so pleased. You see, twice every year, the various Houses of the Order send their collected offerings home to the Motherhouse. In the Core, that can be quite substantial. A sparse, primitive world like this…mostly coins of small denominations, I'm afraid. And it's not very convenient to get it converted to an electronic payment. Even shipping is expensive. So I volunteered to…let's just say, to supervise the delivery. See that those chests got to the right place. It's mostly a silent Abbey, you see. Only get to talk at Recreation after dinner and an hour on Sundays. Talk of their harmless little adventure should keep them happy until Whitsuntide at least."

"But that's so…patronizing," Simon said. "She's not a child!"

"Well, Son, that's the pot calling the kettle beige, now isn't it?"

6  
"Hey, Simon," Kaylee said. "You smell all…flowery?"

"Dutch…French courage," Simon said. "Kaylee, I have to tell you something. I was drunk then. I'm drunk now. In wine there is truth. And also doing stupid things on top of statues. I like you, I really like you a lot, and I can't afford to get you mad at me because River needs to stay here. But when I said, never, not with Kaylee, well. Really. Because you're pretty and I could if I had to but I like you and I love Mal and I thought I was respecting you but I was lying, I was just stringing you along because I was too frightened not to. And I'm sorry to hurt you. But."

"Awww!" Kaylee said. "Well, sure I'd a bounced you if I could, but don't all flatter yourself that my heart's gonna break now I can't. It was fun to make you run away when I chased you 'cause of the custom-tailored "Kick me" sign they put on the back of your fancy suits. But if you're done runnin' then I guess I'm done yankin' your chain." She stuck out her hand, and they shook on it.


End file.
